[Translation] Mo Shaoqian's Monologue (Chapter Exerpt from Sealed with a Kiss Novel)

Mo Shaoqian's monologue is one of the several epilogue chapters the author wrote after she completed the main chapters in Tong Xue's narrative. It is the only chapter, narrated by Mo Shaoqian, where we get a rare and intimate glimpse at his innermost feelings in the entire novel. I suspect the time frame of this chapter is set between the events after his blissful beach house days with Tong Xue and their eventual reunion shortly before their marriage. In stark contrast to the previous humorous epilogue about Shaoqian and Tong Xue's married life, this short narrative is definitely more heavy-hearted in nature.

This chapter is titled "Gui Mi Xin Qiao 鬼迷心窍" in Chinese, roughly meaning "inexplicably blinded or memorized by some devilish obsession." It's a Chinese proverb that literally translated as "ghosts have blinded one's heart and intelligence," which is often used to describe people are are overwhelmingly memorized by something or someone. They can no longer control how they feel or rationalize the reasons behind this obsession. Mo Shaoqian uses this proverb to describe his feelings for Tong Xue because he, himself, can't seem to provide a logical explanation or reason why he fell in love with her. Whether he likes this fact or not, he is unable to erase her from his heart — regardless of how hard he tries.

Epilogue Chapter: "Gui Mi Xin Qiao"

The weather is nice; the same nice weather as when you were here.

When the roses in the garden house bloomed, Hateable bit off all the newly grown leaves from the roses. Xiangxiu(1) had purposely took him to see a veterinarian for a check up and discovered he was malnourished.

(1) name of the dog caretaker for Loveable. She made a brief appearance in the beginning of Episode 1.

A long time ago when we first met, you were suffering from vitamin deficiency too. At that time your hair was yellowish with plenty of split ends. You were literally a "huang mo ya tou" (literally translated as a "little girl with yellowish hair," which is a common Chinese proverb roughly meaning "silly young girl." Shaoqian is putting a pun on the proverb to describe Tong Xue).

Whenever I took you out for a meal, everything you ate looked so appetizing and delicious to you, even your eyes and eyebrows arched at me with laughter. Your infectious appetite really made one craved for the food as well.  

Many years later, our chef cooked some bird's nest(2) soup for you, but you only ate it slowly, spoon by spoon, as if you were sipping some bitter herbal medicine.

(2) bird's nest soup, made from the saliva nests of a few swift species, is an extremely expensive delicacy in Chinese cuisine. Bird's net is also considered one of the most expensive animal products consumed by humans and is traditionally believed to provide many health benefits such as improved immune system and aiding digestion. [credit: wiki]

I don't treat you well  — I know.

There was a long period of time when I avoided to see you. Because I fear I wouldn't be able to control my emotions. But it didn't take very long before I started to feel agitated, anxious, and moody. I lost my patience in everything I do. My personal assistant, who knew the exact cause for my condition, suggested that I go "home" to take a look.

He said "home," which meant whatever place with you in it.

But you never once considered that place to be your "home."

A long long time ago, I didn't know what you were dreaming that night, but you suddenly burst into a piercing cry. You cried till you woke up. I held you in my arms hoping to comfort you. When you saw my face, you immediately struggled uncontrollably to free yourself from my embrace. The look you gave me, I would never forget it for the rest of my life. I couldn't bear it (literally "I felt miserable"). From then, I didn't want you to stay in my bedroom anymore. I told you I was annoyed by you. I told you I disliked the noise you made. I told you I disliked your sleeping postures. So I told you to stay away.

But I couldn't tell you to stay away from the bottom of my heart.

One night during a casual buddy gathering, Mr. Ye had a little too much to drink. In the karaoke room, while he had two beautiful young ladies in his arms, he held the microphone and passionately sang "Gui Mi Xin Qiao." (3)

      "Someone once asked me what was so great about you
       So many years have gone by and I still couldn't forget about you
       No beauty of the wind in the spring landscape could outshine the beauty of your smiles
       没见过你的人不会明了! …… "
       Those who have never seen you would never truly understand!..."

(3) Besides being a famous Chinese proverb, there's also a famous Mandarin song sang by pop singer Li Zongsheng. To listen to that song, click here.

He still sang such an old song with much longing love and passion in his voice. The ladies were all roaring with laughter. Everyone jumped up to clap their hands and bombarded him compliments, but only I could see the hidden tear in his eyes.

他是真的喝高了,那个晚上。从那之后我很小心,我怕自己喝醉了会像他一样失态。 你是我的鬼迷心窍,只有我自己知道。 你回来的那次,我很放纵的喝醉了。因为我不知道该怎么面对你。也许喝点酒,还有理由对你好,或者不好。我是真的讨厌你买的那只狗,还有你。
He really had too much to drink that night. After that night though, I became extremely cautious. I fear I would become like him and lose myself in a drunken stupor. You are my "gui mi xin qiao" — only I know that fact. When you came back to see me last time, I drowned myself in drunkenness because I didn't know how to face you.  Perhaps after a little drink, I could give myself a reason to treat you better — or maybe, not as well. I really hate that dog you bought me — and you as well.

When I took you to watch a movie (4) in Hong Kong, you made a comment about a diamond on a ring that was very big, very beautiful. Since you've been with me, you never once, in my presence, mentioned anything that was beautiful. So during one of my business trips, I selected a diamond in Belgium and ordered the jeweler to create the same diamond ring shown in the movie.

(4) The movie they watched in Hong Kong is probably Ang Lee's Lust, Caution starring Tong Leung and Tang Wei . This movie is also based on a novella written by an influential 20th century Shanghaiese writer, Eileen Zhang. I think Fei Wo Si Cun is implying the distorted relationship of Tong Xue and Shaoqian somewhat reflected by the similarly twisted relationship in Lust, Caution.

When I handed you the ring, your expression told me you never liked it. I later thought to myself — since when have I become so pathetic?

Even a simple smile from you has become a rare luxury to me. I've been thinking. If I was able to get a divorce — if you didn't have to feel guilty from the immorality of the situation — would you have been a little happier? But I know you would never marry me. Because you never loved me.

The first time I saw you, you were still a young girl, pretending to be a woman wearing high heels, adorning your face with make-up, and holding up the tray for the ribbon cutting ceremony in such a ladylike fashion.

My scissor accidentally cut your finger, but you did not even utter a single sound. Later when I looked for you backstage, your stubborn expression really reminded me of a little child.

You were basically younger than me a dozen years. I was 30 years old already, and you were only 18. And when I was 23 years old (5), you were only 11.

(5) The age Mo Shaoqian sold himself to the Mu family and married Mu Yongfei.

Everything that happened in the past, you had absolutely no knowledge of it.

我用一种猎奇的心态注视着你,就像一只猫逮到耗子,玩一玩。我给自己找了个理由,玩一玩。只是我自己心里清楚,你笑起来 真好看,会露出两个酒窝,像只洋娃娃,让我情不自禁,总是想要拥有你。 
Like a hunter following an interesting prey, I began to take notice of you. I wanted to be the cat playing with its captured mouse. Just play a little. I allowed myself to find a reason: just to have a little fun. I know only too well in my heart how beautiful you looked with your smiles. Like a doll, your smiles made two dimples surfaced on your cheeks. It made me, involuntarily, just want to possess you.

I never had a doll before because I was born a son. As a child, my father taught me not to overindulge myself in toys.

I knew from that moment onward, I could never let you go. So, I chose the worst method possible [to possess you]. If you hate me, I would feel a little better.

我已经无法控制对你的态度,如果你对我好,我不知道自己会变成什么样子。所以宁可你恨我,这样或者会好一点。  我自己把自己推进火坑, 反正我这辈子, 也就这样了。你如果恨我,我也许会少爱你一点点。
I could no longer control my manner toward you. If you treat me well, I don't know what I would become. Therefore, I prefer that you hate me. Perhaps, it'll be better this way. I already pushed myself into an abyss of suffering (literally translated as a fiery pit). For the rest of my life, I'll be like this anyway.

I don't treat you well — I know.

There was no way I could treat you well.

对你好一点儿,我总会想起自己的父亲。对你好一点儿,你总是对着我笑。 你一笑,我觉得心都快要融掉了。我害怕这种感觉,它代表着失控,代表着软弱。
If I treated you slightly better, I would always think about my father. If I treated you a little better, you would always smile at me. If you smile, I feel my heart would immediately melt away. This kind of feeling frightens me. It means loss of control. It represents weakness.

That's why I would rather treat you badly. Then, in reciprocation, you would treat me badly as well.

At the hospital, all my hopes pulverized into ashes and despair. If I hadn't so forcefully entered your life, perhaps both of us wouldn't have to end up in such a dejected predicament and misery.

Let's put an end to everything once and for all — like it never happened before.

可是你偏偏又回来了。 你带着合同来,我控制不住自己的脾气,朝你说出刻薄的话。你一走,我就后悔了。我不愿意让别人看到你那样子,小心翼翼,卑颜屈膝。
But why did you have to come back? You came back with a contract. I couldn't control my temper and said some derogatory things to you. Once you left, I regretted. I don't want another living being to see you like this —  so very wary of committing a wrong in your manner, so dishearteningly servile in your attitude.

可是你讨好我的样子,让我更觉得自己可怜。 我不愿意再这样下去,明知道合同背后会有陷阱,我也下定决心,我下定决心结束一切,在事态已经没有办法控制的时候。
The way you try to please me only helped to further confirm one fact: how worthlessly pathetic I've become. I have no desire to have us continue this way. Even though I'm keenly aware of the trap that lies behind the contract, I'm set on my decision. I'm determined to put it end to everything. The situation has worsen to the point of no control.

在海边的时候,我很放纵自己。因为这样的机会,已经注定是我这辈子最后一次了。 就像注定我会遇见你。就像注定我再也不会和你在一起,就像注定我再也不会拥有你。
I really indulged myself during the days we spent together at the beach. I'm only destined to have such an opportunity one last time in my life. Like fate has destined us to meet, but also like fate has destined us never to be together again. Fate has further destined that I shall never have you again.

I don't treat you well — I know.

It's because I could no longer control myself. But it's different now.

就这样更好。 我一直觉得,就这样更好。
It's better this way. I have always felt it's really better this way.

Let time slowly erase you from my memory, erase the image of you in my head, and erase the smiles you have branded in my memory.

Forget that I once possessed you in my life. Forget that I ever met you in my life.

Just forget about everything. It's really better this way.

© 2011, JoleCole. All rights reserved.


© 2011, JoleCole. All rights reserved.  

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