Sunday, November 27, 2011

[Translation] Mu Yongfei's Monologue (Chapter Excerpt from Sealed with a Kiss Novel)

When I read the chapter written in Mu Yongfei's narrative, I really despised what she did to Mo Shaoqian. Her suffocating love for him (or more like an obsession) completely ruined his life. Without Mu Yongfei, Mo Shaoqian's father would probably still be alive and he wouldn't turn into the twisted, vindictive man he later became. Inadvertently, Mu Yongfei was also the precipice that linked Tong Xue and Mo Shaoqian together.

She actually only shows up in a single scene in the main novel despite having a "strong" hold in Tong Xue's mind throughout the story. Readers only get to see her character flushed out in this particular chapter. It is also through her eyes, we learn about the true extent of Mo Shaoqian's sacrifice for Tong Xue and the hardship he experienced.

I found Mu Yongfei to be the most pitiful character in the novel despite her maliciousness. The reason why Mo Shaoqian and Tong Xue failed to get the "gloriously prestigious first place" for "Most Pitiful Character" is due to their blissfully happy ending. Mo Shaoqian earned his "happy ending' because he was willing to forfeit everything for Tong Xue's sake and redeemed himself by learning to let go. Mu Yongfei, on the other hand, never got her redemption and remained psychotically obsessed with Mo Shaoqian. She wasted the most brilliant ten years of her life on man who never for a single moment of his life cherished nor loved her. I know she deserved what she got for all the wrongs she committed, but for such a proud woman and a woman of her strength, it's still heartbreaking to read about her emotional pain.


『幕咏飞番外:风景依稀似旧年』
Mu Yongfei's Chapter: 
"The Landscape Remained Seemingly Immutable from the Past"

如果人生可以重新再来一次,我依然会选择爱你。
“If life could start all over again, I would still choose to love you”

——题记


签字的时候我顿了一下,望了一眼离我不过咫尺之遥的那个男人。他似乎很放松地坐在沙发上,但明显心不在焉,眼睛看着窗外,心更是不知道又飘忽到什么地方。
When I'm about sign my name, I pause for a moment to take a look at the man only inches away from me. He's sitting comfortably on the sofa staring out the window, but he seems visibly distracted with his mind drifted off elsewhere. 

倒是他的律师比他更紧张,见我如此,连忙半是疑惑半是催促地看着我。
Ironically, his lawyer appears to be more nervous than him. Seeing my hesitation, he looks at me with haste and uncertainty.

只要我在协议上签下自己的名字,那么从此和他再无半分关系。或者还是有的,圈子里那些闲得发慌的太太们,也许背地里会将我称作他的前妻。不过我想,不至于有人这般不识趣,敢当面对我这样说。
I only need to put my signature on these documents, and from this moment onward, he and I will no longer have a flicker of connection — or maybe we still will. The listlessly bored housewives in our social circle would probably gossip behind our backs and referred me as “his ex-wife.” But I doubt anyone would dare to address me as such in my presence.

前妻。
Ex-wife.

多么可笑的两个字。
What ludicrous name.

我从来不曾做过他的妻子,他心知肚明,我亦心知肚明。
I was never a “wife” to him. He’s keenly aware of this fact, and so am I.

十年,从二十岁到三十岁,我这一生最好的时光已经过去。
For ten years, from 20 years old to 30 years old, the best years of my life are now gone.

和我结婚的时候他二十三岁,那时还是略显青涩的大男生,如今时光已经将他雕琢成稳重成熟的男人。岁月几乎没有在他身上留下太多痕迹,除了气质,他的一切恍若不曾改变。
He was only 23 years old when he married me. At that time, he was still a young man with some traces of boyishness. Now, the age of time has gradually and intricately curved him into a matured, dignified man. Age has not left much of its marks on him.  Other than the aura of his temperament, nothing seems to have changed for him.

我签完自己的名字,推开那份协议,再签另一份。
After I signed my name, I push the document aside, and sign another.

笔画出奇地流畅。十年前新婚之夜他第一次提出离婚,我用最尖酸刻薄的词汇与他大吵,最后他摔门而去。在他走后,我独自泣不成声,倒在床上放声大哭。
The stroke of my penmanship is surprisingly smooth. Ten years ago on our wedding night when he suggested divorce for the first time, I used the most vicious, spiteful insults to vehemently quarrel with him. In the end, he left angrily slamming the door loudly behind him. After he left, I threw myself on the bed and wept uncontrollably.

十年,我用最渴爱的孤独熬成了毒,一丝一缕,侵入了血脉。我以为自己会一生一世与他纠缠下去,不死不休。
For ten years in my loneliness, I minutely boiled my hunger for love into poison. It seeped through my skin, pore by pore, into my bloodstream. I always assumed I would be entangled with him for the rest of my life, till death do we part.

没想到还有这一天。
I never thought this day would come.

我还记得他的私人助理给我打电话,他从来不给我打电话,连最起码的沟通亦是通过助理。一如既往公事公办的语气,恭谨而疏离:“慕小姐,莫先生同意出让港业49%的股份给慕氏,具体详情,您看是否方便让您的助理过来详谈?”
I still remember the phone call from his personal assistant. He never phoned me directly. The most basic form of our communication was through his personal assistant. In his usual professional tone and respectfully detached in his voice, he said:
“Miss Mu, Mr. Mo has agreed to give up his 49% shareholding in the seaport industry to the Mu family. For complete details, will your personal assistant be available to come and discuss the arrangement?”

十年来,他第一次在我面前低了头,认了输,还是因为那个女人。
For the first time in ten years, you’re willing to lower your head in front of me and admit failure, just for that woman.

童雪。
Tong Xue.

他这样爱她到底为什么?
Why does he love her so much?

我一直以为他这样的人,铁石心肠,岿然不动,我一度都疑惑他是不是根本就不爱女人。
I always assumed he was a person with a heart made from iron, never wavering in a beat. Once, I even doubted his sexuality and thought he was uninterested in women.

直到终于让我觉察到蛛丝马迹。
Those thoughts persisted until I detected some subtle hints and traces.

八卦报纸登载的新闻,照片里他紧紧牵着一个女人的手,十指相扣。
In a news article that the tabloids published, there were pictures of him tightly holding another woman’s hand—their fingers interlocking.

他从来没有牵过我的手。
He never held my hand before.

十年挂名夫妻,我单独见到他的次数都屈指可数。即使是在家族的聚会中,大部分情况下,他和振飞的关系都比和我热络。所以父亲在委派执行董事去莫氏的时候,特意选择了振飞,而不是我。
In the ten years of our nominal marriage, I could use my fingers to count the number of times we saw each other in private. Even during family gatherings, he acted on much friendlier terms with Zhenfei than me. When father wanted to send a representative to Mo conglomerate’s executive board of directors, he chose Zhenfei instead of me.

父亲轻描淡写地说:“你不适合担任这类职务。”
Father just lightly explained: “You’re not suitable for this task.”

我明白父亲的弦外之音,其实我更不适合做他的妻子。
I understand father’s hidden message. In fact, I’m not even suitable to become his wife.

我知道自己是发了狂。
I know I’m going crazy.

那个演电影的女人,凭什么被他牵着手?
That woman who acted in movies, what made her qualified to hold his hand?

我要让她一辈子再也演不了电影。
I made sure she would never act in another movie again.

敢阻在我和他之间的一切人和事,我都要毁掉。
All obstacles, inanimate or human, who dared to stand between us, I wanted to destroy them all.

振飞曾经劝过我,他说:“姐姐,算了吧。”
Zhenfei once tried to persuade me. He said, “Jie Jie (“Older Sister”), just let it go.”

算了吧?
Let it go?

多么轻巧的三个字,十年来我倾尽一颗心,结果不过是一场笑话。
What simple words! I spent 10 years draining my life and wholeheartedly exerting every effort [to win his love], but the results only brought ridicule.

十年前我见到他,我发过誓,一定要嫁给他。
When I first saw him 10 years ago, I swore that I must marry him.

我的父亲是慕长河,我是慕氏最骄傲的掌上明珠,我想要什么,一定就可以得到。
My father is Mu Changhe. I am the most envied and prideful daughter of the Mu family. I will have whatever I desire.

十年前他第一次拒绝我,我没动声色,而是悄悄地布局。
Ten years ago, he rejected me for the first time, so I secretively set up this trap.

我授意别人买通了他父亲手下的人,把整盘的商业计划偷出来给他父亲的竞争对手,然后步步为营,小心谋划。我想如果当他的父亲陷入困境,他也许会改了主意。我需要借助外力,才可以使他更接近我。
I sent someone to buy off his father’s subordinate, and stole the entire business plan to sell it to his father’s greatest rival.  I plotted step by step, meticulously scheming. I thought if his father sank into a crisis, perhaps he would change his mind. I just needed to use external forces to have him get closer to me.

可是我没想到他的父亲会心脏病发猝死在机场,幸好我的目的已经达到。
But I never expected his father to die from a heart attack at the airport. Fortunately, I succeeded in my goal.

我做的一切都非常隐秘,我很庆幸他永远不会知道我做过些什么,因为我不知道他会是什么样的反应。我十分清楚他怎样对待童雪,哪怕他那样爱她,却终究有着心魔。
I did everything in utmost secrecy. I’m very relieved he would never discover what I did, because I don’t know how he would react. I know too well how he treated Tong Xue. Regardless of how much he loves her, he’s still plagued by his internal demons.

他负着罪,以为爱她就是背叛自己的父亲。
He’s burdened by guilt. He thinks his love for her signifies betraying his own father.

我带着肆意的残忍看着私家侦探给我发来的那些照片,有一组拍得很清楚,童雪低着头,他就一直在她的身后,几次试探着伸出手,有一次他的指尖几乎触到了她的发梢,却终究还是垂下去,慢慢握成了拳头。
I sadistically enjoyed looking at the photos the private investigators sent me. There were a set of photos snapped at a good angle. Tong Xue had her head tilted downward and he just stood right behind her. He tried several times to hold out his hand to touch her. He even managed to almost touch the tip of her hair once, but in the end, he resigned in his effort and lowered his hand, slowly wrapping his fingers inward into a fist.

他的目光中有那样多的落寞,可惜她永远不会回头看见。
He looked so lonely in his expression. Too bad she would never turn around to take a look at him.

其实她对他而言,亦是唾手可得,却永不可得。
[Tong Xue to Mo Shaoqian], he indeed could always have her within his arm distance, but would never actually be able to have her.

我觉得快意,多好,我受过的一切煎熬,他都要一遍遍经过。
I felt ecstatic. It was exhilarating to know that he had to endure the same arduous pain and suffering that I had to endure.

她不爱他,如同他不爱我。
She doesn’t love him, like how he doesn’t love me.

他们的一举一动都在我的掌握中。我无数次端详着童雪的照片,虽然五官端正清丽,可是比她美的人太多太多,莫绍谦到底看中她哪一点?
I had their every step and move in my grasp. I examined a photo of Tong Xue in details countless times. Although her features are refined and freshly pretty, but there are so many girls out there so much more beautiful than her. What does Mo Shaoqian see in her?

我渐渐觉得失落,或许在他和她认识之初,他已经知道她是谁的女儿。
I slowly began to feel despair. Perhaps when they first met, he already knew who she was.

也许就是因为这种禁忌,他反而对她更加无法自拔。甚至在认识之初,他就是带着一种猎奇与报复的心态,也许他起初,只是纯粹想逗她玩玩。
Or perhaps, the fact that she was forbidden fruit to him, he couldn’t constrain himself from her. Or maybe when they first met, he only had the hunter’s mentality and the intent to seek revenge. Or maybe in the beginning, he only intended to just purely play around with her.

结果最后陷落的却是他。
In the end, however, it was he who fell deeply for her.

我不能不想办法拆开他们,哪怕她根本就不爱他。
I could not just standby and not come up with a plan to separate them, even if she didn’t love him.

可是他爱她,已经太深。
But he loves her very deeply already.

深到他情愿逢场作戏,用一个演电影的女人来转移我的注意力。深到他已经宁可自己挣扎,却不让她知晓当年的事情。
His love is deep enough for him to be willing to dally around and use a woman who acted in movies to detract my attention. It’s so deep to the point where he would rather struggle and suffer by himself than have her discover the truth about the past.

他这样爱她,到底为什么?
Why does he love her so much?

十年前我执意要和他结婚,他说:“我不爱你,所以你务必考虑清楚。”
Ten years ago when I was bent on marrying him, he said: “I don’t love you, so you must think about it carefully.”

坦白得令我觉得心寒。
His brutal honestly chilled me coldly to the bones.

可那时候我以为,我可以改变一切,我可以让他爱上我,就如同,我爱他。
At that time, I thought I could change anything. I could make him fall in love with me, just like how I fell in love with him.

十年来,原来都是枉然。
In the past ten years, everything was all for naught.

这一切原来只是我自己痴人说梦。
Everything was just an overly zealous dream of a quixotic individual.

慕氏帮助了他,他却更加地疏离我,因为他觉得这段婚姻是一段交易,一段令他痛苦万分的交易。
The Mu family helped him. But he distanced himself even more from me, because he only saw this marriage as a business transaction. It was a business transaction that brought him much pain and intolerable suffering.

我一直在想,如果一切可以从头来过,我会不会还这样做。
I had been thinking. If everything could start all over again, would I still do the things I did?

就在我倍觉煎熬的时候,林姿娴告诉我另一个坏消息。
As I absorbed in my misery, Lin Zixian gave me another piece of bad news.

童雪怀孕了。
Tong Xue got pregnant.

十年夫妻,莫绍谦从来没有碰过我,我视作奇耻大辱,可是现在童雪却怀孕了。
During our ten years of being husband and wife, Mo Shaoqian never once touched me. I deemed it as the greatest humiliation of my life.

我终于知道他们已同居三年,莫绍谦将她藏得很好,一藏这么多年,如果不是机缘巧合,我几乎无法发现。
I finally discovered they had been living together for the past three years. Mo Shaoqian hid her well. He hid her for so many years too without my knowledge. If it weren’t for random chance, I wouldn’t have been able to discover her.

他一直在防着我,因为他知道我会做什么样的事。寂寞将我骨子里的血都变成了最狠的毒,我不会放过。
He always guarded himself against me. Because he knows too well what I’m capable of doing. Loneliness has transformed the blood and bones of my body into the most poisonous venom.

我决定见一见童雪,因为我已经失了理智,我本来不应该直接出面,可是我已经按捺不住。
I decided to meet Tong Xue in person, because I lost all sense of reason. I shouldn’t have come myself, but I couldn’t bear it anymore

我恨这个叫童雪的女人,我希望她最好去死。
I hate this woman named Tong Xue. I hope it is best that she dies.

我见到了童雪,我对她说了半真半假的一番话。
When I saw Tong Xue, I told her some semi-veritable information.

我知道莫绍谦会知道我做了些什么,但我已经顾不上了。
I know Mo Shaoqian would know what I had done, but I didn’t care anymore.

我不能再冒任何风险,我也已经没有任何耐心。
I could no longer take any risks. I had already lost all my patience.

我知道自己乱了方寸,但总好过,我眼睁睁看着别的女人替他生孩子。
I know I lost all sense of control, but it was better than just idly standby and witness another woman give birth to his child.

虽然我明明知道,童雪与他关系恶劣,她不会留下这个胚胎。可我无法冒险。
Even though I was clearly aware of the hostile nature of his relationship with Tong Xue and the fact she would not keep the unborn baby, I still could not take the risk.

因为我已经输不起。
It’s because I couldn’t afford to lose anymore

例行的家族聚会他缺席,听说是因为病了。过了很久公司召开董事会,我才见到他,他瘦了许多,气质更加疏离冷漠。近年来他羽翼已丰,父亲照例和颜悦色地对他,而他照例很客气地待慕氏。一切都平静得仿佛百尺古井。
He missed out on the usual family social gatherings. I heard he got sick. After a long period time, I finally saw him again during a general meeting for the board of directors. He lost a lot of weight. His aura he emitted became even more bone chilling and distant. In recent years, his influence has already matured to the point where even my father has to put on a smiling face when he greeted him. As always, he maintained his cordiality with the Mu family. Everything appeared as tranquil and serene as the water under a deep well.

会议结束后我故意叫住他,笑靥如花地与他说话。
When the meeting adjourned, I purposely called him out. I smiled sweetly when I spoke to him. 

他神色倦怠,我想他已经知道我做过的一切。他对我说:“你觉得称心如意就好。”
He looked exhausted. I think he already knew everything that I did. He said to me: “If this makes you happy to your heart’s content, then so be it.”

我站在那里,看着他转身离开。
I stood there, watching him turn his back against me to leave.

细碎的灯光将他的影子拉得老长。
The soft glimmer of light stretched out his shadow.

光影寂寥。
A very lonely empty shadow.

我从来不曾知道,原来有着中央空调的会议室,也会这般冷,冷得像在冰窖。
I never knew that even the central air conidition system in the meeting could also get this cold, as cold as an icehouse.

称心如意?
Happy to my heart’s content?

恐怕我这一辈子,都不能称心如意。
I’m afraid I won’t be happy to my heart’s content for the rest of my life.

我已经知道,他将所有的账都算在我头上,包括失去那个小小的胚胎。
I already knew he would place the blame to everything on my account, including the loss of that little embryo.

其实我和他都心知肚明,就算我什么都不做,童雪仍旧不会留下这个胚胎。
In fact, he and I both know clearly, even if I didn’t do anything, Tong Xue still wouldn’t keep that unborn child.

我乱了阵脚,结果反帮了敌人的忙。
I lost my stronghold on the situation, and ended up helping the enemy instead.

她明明不爱他,为什么他还要这样对她?
It was evident that she didn’t love him, but why did he still treat her that way?

我决心让他清醒地知道,她不爱他,就是不爱他。
I was determined to let him consciously know that she doesn’t love him, and won’t ever love him.

我像十年前一样,耐心布局。
Similar to what I did ten years ago, I patiently plotted my scheme. 

他最看重什么,我就让他失去什么。
Whatever he value most, I would make sure he loses it.

他最看重童雪,我就要让他知道,童雪从来没有爱过他。
If he values Tong Xue most, then I would make sure he knows that she never loved him

他最看中事业,我就要让他知道,他连自己父亲留下的基业也保不住。
If he values his career most, then I would make sure he knows that he couldn’t even save the remnants of his father’s business empire.

如果他一无所有,他会不会回头爱我?
If he has nothing left, would he come back to love me?

不,当然不会。
No, of course not.

他只会更加深切地恨我。
He would only increase his hatred for me.

我在黑暗里静静地笑着,我已经无法控制自己血液中的毒。
As I simile in darkness, I realize I could no longer control the venom in my blood.

如果这一切的最后都是毁灭,那么让我和他一起死吧。
If everything must end in destruction, then let me die with him.

我签完字后,律师将所有的文件拿给莫绍谦签字。
After I finished signing my signature, the lawyer hands all the paperwork to Mo Shaoqian to sign his name.

莫绍谦签好之后,又将其中一份交还给我的律师。
The lawyer then gives me a copy of the documents when Mo Shaoqian finished his signature.

我从律师手中接过文书。沉甸甸的文件,十年名分上的夫妻,具体到白纸黑字,却是一条条的财产协议。
As I take the certified documents from the lawyer’s hand, the heavy stack of paperwork ten years of being nominal husband and wife only inscribes details about the allocation of our wealth on white paper and text of black ink.

他用他曾经最珍视的一切,换得另一个女人的平安。
He traded everything he once valued most in his life in exchange for another woman’s safety.

我忽然想要流泪。
I suddenly wanted to weep.

他从来不曾这样待我,他一直恨我,在童雪出事之后,他对我说过的唯一的话就是:“你到底想要怎么样?”
He never treated like that before, only bearing hatred for me. After Tong Xue was apprehended (1), he only said one thing to me: “What do you want?”

(1) In the novel, Lin Zixian’s ending is actually very different from the drama. Despite their initial collaborative relationship, she had a nasty fallout with Mu Yongfei. In fury, Mu Yongfei publicized on the internet Lin Zixian’s past sexual promiscuity and the fact that she contracted STDs (possibly HIV/AIDS). To take revenge on Mu Yongfei for destroying her reputation/life, Lin Zixian splashed acid on Mu Yongfei’s face, severely disfiguring her, and then tried to commit suicide by drinking the acid. Mu Yongfei then implicated Tong Xue in the whole attack, and the police apprehended her for interrogation.  To appease Mu Yongfei, get his divorce, and save Tong Xue’s out of this mess, Mo Shaoqian decided to give up his 49% shareholding of Distal Group and put an end to everything. Note, he didn't give up his shareholding for free. I'm sure Mo Shaoqian traded his shareholding for a lot of cash. Anyway, it was the symbolic loss of 49% shareholding that hurt him more than the loss of long term potential income.

我不过是想他爱我。
I only wanted him to love me.

十年,我倾尽一颗心,用尽全部力气,却都是水中月,镜中花。
For ten years, I devoted my whole heart and used up all my energy.  These efforts, as well as everything else, were just illusionary (2).

(2) A famous Chinese metaphor originated from one of the four great literary classics, Dream of the Read Chamber. This phase “shui zhong yue, jing zhong hua” literally translated as “the reflection of the moon in the water and the image of the flower in the mirror.” It’ a metaphor that means “everything is an illusion.” 

我的脸全都毁了,在日本做过很多次整容手术,但仍旧恢复不了从前的样子。幸好看不出什么伤痕来,只是在镜中看到自己,难免会觉得陌生。
My face was completely disfigured. I underwent countless cosmetic surgery to repair the scars, but I still couldn’t revive the face I once had. Fortunately, no visible scar remained.

振飞总是安慰我说:“姐姐,你就是换了个样子,还是一样美。”
Zhenfei always tried to comfort me by saying: “Jie Jie (“Older Sister”), you just have another look now. You’re still just as beautiful as before.”

我知道其实我长成什么样子,对他来说,都不重要。
I know no matter how I look, it still doesn’t matter to him.

不管我美不美,漂亮不漂亮,他都不会爱我。
No matter if I’m beautiful or not, pretty or not, he still won’t love me.

我抬起头来对他微笑。
I tilt up my head to give him a smile.

每次他的视线都会避开我的笑颜,这次也不例外。
And every time, he would always set his eyes elsewhere to avoid eye contact with me.

因为他的眼中从来没有我。
It’s because he never had me in his eyes.

等一切的法律手续结束的时候,我对他说:“我有句话想要对你说。”
When we completed all the legal paperwork, I tell him, “I have a few words to say to you,”

我坚持要求所有人离开,他的律师很警惕,但他仍旧是那种淡淡的疏离与漠然:“让她说吧。”
I insist that everyone must first leave. His lawyer looks suspiciously vigilant, but he still retains that coldly detached tone and disinterested look and he replies, “Let her speak.”

偌大的空间只有我和他两个人,世界从来不曾这样安静。
Only he and I remain in the big empty room.  It seems like the world has never been at peace until this very moment.

也许这是我最后一次单独与他站在这里,落地窗外,这城市繁华到了极致,而我心里,只是一片荒凉。
Perhaps, this moment will be the last time he and I get to stand together alone. Outside the picture window, the city is glistening and bustling at its peak, but my heart is deadly barren.

我凝视着这个我爱了十年的男人,到了如今,他都不曾正眼看过我。
I’m staring at this man whom I have loved for ten years. Till this day, he has never taken a serious look at me.

也许到现在,他仍旧没有注意过,我和从前的样子到底是不是不一样,因为我在他心里,从来没留下过什么印象。
Perhaps even now, he still won’t take a serious look at me.

可这一切都是我自己的选择,我不会后悔我做过的事。
Everything that happened has occurred out of my own free will, and I don’t regret anything I’ve done.

“绍谦,”我慢慢地对他绽开微笑,如果这是最后一次,我想在他面前,笑得最美。
“Shaoqian,” I call out his name with a gentle smile slowly spread out on my face. If this will be our last time together, I want to show him the most beautiful smile I could possibly give. 

“如果人生可以重新再来一次,我依然会选择爱你。”
“If life could start all over again, I would still choose to love you”

© 2011, JoleCole. All rights reserved. 

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