[Translation] Mu Yongfei's Monologue (Chapter Excerpt from Sealed with a Kiss Novel)

When I read the chapter written in Mu Yongfei's narrative, I really despised what she did to Mo Shaoqian. Her suffocating love for him (or more like an obsession) completely ruined his life. Without Mu Yongfei, Mo Shaoqian's father would probably still be alive and he wouldn't turn into the twisted, vindictive man he later became. Inadvertently, Mu Yongfei was also the precipice that linked Tong Xue and Mo Shaoqian together.

She actually only shows up in a single scene in the main novel despite having a "strong" hold in Tong Xue's mind throughout the story. Readers only get to see her character flushed out in this particular chapter. It is also through her eyes, we learn about the true extent of Mo Shaoqian's sacrifice for Tong Xue and the hardship he experienced.

I found Mu Yongfei to be the most pitiful character in the novel despite her maliciousness. The reason why Mo Shaoqian and Tong Xue failed to get the "gloriously prestigious first place" for "Most Pitiful Character" is due to their blissfully happy ending. Mo Shaoqian earned his "happy ending' because he was willing to forfeit everything for Tong Xue's sake and redeemed himself by learning to let go. Mu Yongfei, on the other hand, never got her redemption and remained psychotically obsessed with Mo Shaoqian. She wasted the most brilliant ten years of her life on man who never for a single moment of his life cherished nor loved her. I know she deserved what she got for all the wrongs she committed, but for such a proud woman and a woman of her strength, it's still heartbreaking to read about her emotional pain.

Mu Yongfei's Chapter: 
"The Landscape Remained Seemingly Immutable from the Past"

“If life could start all over again, I would still choose to love you”


When I'm about sign my name, I pause for a moment to take a look at the man only inches away from me. He's sitting comfortably on the sofa staring out the window, but he seems visibly distracted with his mind drifted off elsewhere. 

Ironically, his lawyer appears to be more nervous than him. Seeing my hesitation, he looks at me with haste and uncertainty.

I only need to put my signature on these documents, and from this moment onward, he and I will no longer have a flicker of connection — or maybe we still will. The listlessly bored housewives in our social circle would probably gossip behind our backs and referred me as “his ex-wife.” But I doubt anyone would dare to address me as such in my presence.


What ludicrous name.

I was never a “wife” to him. He’s keenly aware of this fact, and so am I.

For ten years, from 20 years old to 30 years old, the best years of my life are now gone.

He was only 23 years old when he married me. At that time, he was still a young man with some traces of boyishness. Now, the age of time has gradually and intricately curved him into a matured, dignified man. Age has not left much of its marks on him.  Other than the aura of his temperament, nothing seems to have changed for him.

After I signed my name, I push the document aside, and sign another.

The stroke of my penmanship is surprisingly smooth. Ten years ago on our wedding night when he suggested divorce for the first time, I used the most vicious, spiteful insults to vehemently quarrel with him. In the end, he left angrily slamming the door loudly behind him. After he left, I threw myself on the bed and wept uncontrollably.

For ten years in my loneliness, I minutely boiled my hunger for love into poison. It seeped through my skin, pore by pore, into my bloodstream. I always assumed I would be entangled with him for the rest of my life, till death do we part.

I never thought this day would come.

I still remember the phone call from his personal assistant. He never phoned me directly. The most basic form of our communication was through his personal assistant. In his usual professional tone and respectfully detached in his voice, he said:
“Miss Mu, Mr. Mo has agreed to give up his 49% shareholding in the seaport industry to the Mu family. For complete details, will your personal assistant be available to come and discuss the arrangement?”

For the first time in ten years, you’re willing to lower your head in front of me and admit failure, just for that woman.

Tong Xue.

Why does he love her so much?

I always assumed he was a person with a heart made from iron, never wavering in a beat. Once, I even doubted his sexuality and thought he was uninterested in women.

Those thoughts persisted until I detected some subtle hints and traces.

In a news article that the tabloids published, there were pictures of him tightly holding another woman’s hand—their fingers interlocking.

He never held my hand before.

In the ten years of our nominal marriage, I could use my fingers to count the number of times we saw each other in private. Even during family gatherings, he acted on much friendlier terms with Zhenfei than me. When father wanted to send a representative to Mo conglomerate’s executive board of directors, he chose Zhenfei instead of me.

Father just lightly explained: “You’re not suitable for this task.”

I understand father’s hidden message. In fact, I’m not even suitable to become his wife.

I know I’m going crazy.

That woman who acted in movies, what made her qualified to hold his hand?

I made sure she would never act in another movie again.

All obstacles, inanimate or human, who dared to stand between us, I wanted to destroy them all.

Zhenfei once tried to persuade me. He said, “Jie Jie (“Older Sister”), just let it go.”

Let it go?

What simple words! I spent 10 years draining my life and wholeheartedly exerting every effort [to win his love], but the results only brought ridicule.

When I first saw him 10 years ago, I swore that I must marry him.

My father is Mu Changhe. I am the most envied and prideful daughter of the Mu family. I will have whatever I desire.

Ten years ago, he rejected me for the first time, so I secretively set up this trap.

I sent someone to buy off his father’s subordinate, and stole the entire business plan to sell it to his father’s greatest rival.  I plotted step by step, meticulously scheming. I thought if his father sank into a crisis, perhaps he would change his mind. I just needed to use external forces to have him get closer to me.

But I never expected his father to die from a heart attack at the airport. Fortunately, I succeeded in my goal.

I did everything in utmost secrecy. I’m very relieved he would never discover what I did, because I don’t know how he would react. I know too well how he treated Tong Xue. Regardless of how much he loves her, he’s still plagued by his internal demons.

He’s burdened by guilt. He thinks his love for her signifies betraying his own father.

I sadistically enjoyed looking at the photos the private investigators sent me. There were a set of photos snapped at a good angle. Tong Xue had her head tilted downward and he just stood right behind her. He tried several times to hold out his hand to touch her. He even managed to almost touch the tip of her hair once, but in the end, he resigned in his effort and lowered his hand, slowly wrapping his fingers inward into a fist.

He looked so lonely in his expression. Too bad she would never turn around to take a look at him.

[Tong Xue to Mo Shaoqian], he indeed could always have her within his arm distance, but would never actually be able to have her.

I felt ecstatic. It was exhilarating to know that he had to endure the same arduous pain and suffering that I had to endure.

She doesn’t love him, like how he doesn’t love me.

I had their every step and move in my grasp. I examined a photo of Tong Xue in details countless times. Although her features are refined and freshly pretty, but there are so many girls out there so much more beautiful than her. What does Mo Shaoqian see in her?

I slowly began to feel despair. Perhaps when they first met, he already knew who she was.

Or perhaps, the fact that she was forbidden fruit to him, he couldn’t constrain himself from her. Or maybe when they first met, he only had the hunter’s mentality and the intent to seek revenge. Or maybe in the beginning, he only intended to just purely play around with her.

In the end, however, it was he who fell deeply for her.

I could not just standby and not come up with a plan to separate them, even if she didn’t love him.

But he loves her very deeply already.

His love is deep enough for him to be willing to dally around and use a woman who acted in movies to detract my attention. It’s so deep to the point where he would rather struggle and suffer by himself than have her discover the truth about the past.

Why does he love her so much?

Ten years ago when I was bent on marrying him, he said: “I don’t love you, so you must think about it carefully.”

His brutal honestly chilled me coldly to the bones.

At that time, I thought I could change anything. I could make him fall in love with me, just like how I fell in love with him.

In the past ten years, everything was all for naught.

Everything was just an overly zealous dream of a quixotic individual.

The Mu family helped him. But he distanced himself even more from me, because he only saw this marriage as a business transaction. It was a business transaction that brought him much pain and intolerable suffering.

I had been thinking. If everything could start all over again, would I still do the things I did?

As I absorbed in my misery, Lin Zixian gave me another piece of bad news.

Tong Xue got pregnant.

During our ten years of being husband and wife, Mo Shaoqian never once touched me. I deemed it as the greatest humiliation of my life.

I finally discovered they had been living together for the past three years. Mo Shaoqian hid her well. He hid her for so many years too without my knowledge. If it weren’t for random chance, I wouldn’t have been able to discover her.

He always guarded himself against me. Because he knows too well what I’m capable of doing. Loneliness has transformed the blood and bones of my body into the most poisonous venom.

I decided to meet Tong Xue in person, because I lost all sense of reason. I shouldn’t have come myself, but I couldn’t bear it anymore

I hate this woman named Tong Xue. I hope it is best that she dies.

When I saw Tong Xue, I told her some semi-veritable information.

I know Mo Shaoqian would know what I had done, but I didn’t care anymore.

I could no longer take any risks. I had already lost all my patience.

I know I lost all sense of control, but it was better than just idly standby and witness another woman give birth to his child.

Even though I was clearly aware of the hostile nature of his relationship with Tong Xue and the fact she would not keep the unborn baby, I still could not take the risk.

It’s because I couldn’t afford to lose anymore

He missed out on the usual family social gatherings. I heard he got sick. After a long period time, I finally saw him again during a general meeting for the board of directors. He lost a lot of weight. His aura he emitted became even more bone chilling and distant. In recent years, his influence has already matured to the point where even my father has to put on a smiling face when he greeted him. As always, he maintained his cordiality with the Mu family. Everything appeared as tranquil and serene as the water under a deep well.

When the meeting adjourned, I purposely called him out. I smiled sweetly when I spoke to him. 

He looked exhausted. I think he already knew everything that I did. He said to me: “If this makes you happy to your heart’s content, then so be it.”

I stood there, watching him turn his back against me to leave.

The soft glimmer of light stretched out his shadow.

A very lonely empty shadow.

I never knew that even the central air conidition system in the meeting could also get this cold, as cold as an icehouse.

Happy to my heart’s content?

I’m afraid I won’t be happy to my heart’s content for the rest of my life.

I already knew he would place the blame to everything on my account, including the loss of that little embryo.

In fact, he and I both know clearly, even if I didn’t do anything, Tong Xue still wouldn’t keep that unborn child.

I lost my stronghold on the situation, and ended up helping the enemy instead.

It was evident that she didn’t love him, but why did he still treat her that way?

I was determined to let him consciously know that she doesn’t love him, and won’t ever love him.

Similar to what I did ten years ago, I patiently plotted my scheme. 

Whatever he value most, I would make sure he loses it.

If he values Tong Xue most, then I would make sure he knows that she never loved him

If he values his career most, then I would make sure he knows that he couldn’t even save the remnants of his father’s business empire.

If he has nothing left, would he come back to love me?

No, of course not.

He would only increase his hatred for me.

As I simile in darkness, I realize I could no longer control the venom in my blood.

If everything must end in destruction, then let me die with him.

After I finished signing my signature, the lawyer hands all the paperwork to Mo Shaoqian to sign his name.

The lawyer then gives me a copy of the documents when Mo Shaoqian finished his signature.

As I take the certified documents from the lawyer’s hand, the heavy stack of paperwork ten years of being nominal husband and wife only inscribes details about the allocation of our wealth on white paper and text of black ink.

He traded everything he once valued most in his life in exchange for another woman’s safety.

I suddenly wanted to weep.

He never treated like that before, only bearing hatred for me. After Tong Xue was apprehended (1), he only said one thing to me: “What do you want?”

(1) In the novel, Lin Zixian’s ending is actually very different from the drama. Despite their initial collaborative relationship, she had a nasty fallout with Mu Yongfei. In fury, Mu Yongfei publicized on the internet Lin Zixian’s past sexual promiscuity and the fact that she contracted STDs (possibly HIV/AIDS). To take revenge on Mu Yongfei for destroying her reputation/life, Lin Zixian splashed acid on Mu Yongfei’s face, severely disfiguring her, and then tried to commit suicide by drinking the acid. Mu Yongfei then implicated Tong Xue in the whole attack, and the police apprehended her for interrogation.  To appease Mu Yongfei, get his divorce, and save Tong Xue’s out of this mess, Mo Shaoqian decided to give up his 49% shareholding of Distal Group and put an end to everything. Note, he didn't give up his shareholding for free. I'm sure Mo Shaoqian traded his shareholding for a lot of cash. Anyway, it was the symbolic loss of 49% shareholding that hurt him more than the loss of long term potential income.

I only wanted him to love me.

For ten years, I devoted my whole heart and used up all my energy.  These efforts, as well as everything else, were just illusionary (2).

(2) A famous Chinese metaphor originated from one of the four great literary classics, Dream of the Read Chamber. This phase “shui zhong yue, jing zhong hua” literally translated as “the reflection of the moon in the water and the image of the flower in the mirror.” It’ a metaphor that means “everything is an illusion.” 

My face was completely disfigured. I underwent countless cosmetic surgery to repair the scars, but I still couldn’t revive the face I once had. Fortunately, no visible scar remained.

Zhenfei always tried to comfort me by saying: “Jie Jie (“Older Sister”), you just have another look now. You’re still just as beautiful as before.”

I know no matter how I look, it still doesn’t matter to him.

No matter if I’m beautiful or not, pretty or not, he still won’t love me.

I tilt up my head to give him a smile.

And every time, he would always set his eyes elsewhere to avoid eye contact with me.

It’s because he never had me in his eyes.

When we completed all the legal paperwork, I tell him, “I have a few words to say to you,”

I insist that everyone must first leave. His lawyer looks suspiciously vigilant, but he still retains that coldly detached tone and disinterested look and he replies, “Let her speak.”

Only he and I remain in the big empty room.  It seems like the world has never been at peace until this very moment.

Perhaps, this moment will be the last time he and I get to stand together alone. Outside the picture window, the city is glistening and bustling at its peak, but my heart is deadly barren.

I’m staring at this man whom I have loved for ten years. Till this day, he has never taken a serious look at me.

Perhaps even now, he still won’t take a serious look at me.

Everything that happened has occurred out of my own free will, and I don’t regret anything I’ve done.

“Shaoqian,” I call out his name with a gentle smile slowly spread out on my face. If this will be our last time together, I want to show him the most beautiful smile I could possibly give. 

“If life could start all over again, I would still choose to love you”

© 2011, JoleCole. All rights reserved. 

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